My brother and I would finish our round quickly and then go on to help one of the others to finish theirs.
The rounds were at Upminster in Essex, around the Corbets Tey road area.
On a Sunday we would finish the rounds and then proceed to the a café at the
End of Corbets Tey road. There would be 4 or 5 United Dairy horse and
carts outside. The chaps would make up their books whilst having a bit
of breakfast after which we would trot back to the depot lined ahead.
My brother let me drive while he went on the cart behind to chat with one
of the others.
His cart by the way, was one of the earlier type, it had iron tyres with a
block of wood that clamped against the wheel as a brake.
Our horse (Tony) was not noted as being particularly speedy.
The horse immediately behind us was Sailor, black with a white blaze.
Sailor didn’t particularly like being behind another horse, also he liked to get back home a bit sharp after he finished his round, so he started to overtake us. Being 13 years old I thought that I’d take up the challenge
so I started to run my hands up and down the reins and encouraging Tony to put a spurt on. In no time at all we were in a bloody fine chariot race
along Corbets Tey road at full gallop side by side taking up the width of the road.
Brother Cyril was calling me to ease back; not on your Nelly I thought and kept going.
Well you see it’s like this, I hadn’t realised how near to the junction we were getting. (Of course there wasn’t much traffic on the road in 1938, especially on a Sunday), but suddenly a Greenline coach swung round the corner right across our path. I immediately stood on the brake with both feet, heaving back on the reins with all of my (13 year old) might.
Cyril on the cart behind looked like having a heart attack. All the other carts had inflated tyres and brakes like cars, so that they were able to pull up fairly quick.
But my poor old Tony was back on his haunches, sliding along on his arse with sparks flying up from his shoes, and me about 9 inches up in the air standing on this bloody brake.
I hung on for grim death but managed to stop
with the poor old horse's nose about a foot from the side of the coach.
Cyril was a little bit shaken. Of course at 13 I wondered what all the fuss was about and thought this was a great hoot, so long as we hadn't damaged the coach!!!!!!!!!!
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Mrs Ratton
We had a garden that backed on to a field, well a sort of a field, there was no grass on and it was really a bit of rough ground; we called it The
Bricky. Any time we wanted to play a game of football or cricket we all
had to set to and clear the bricks and stones off first.
One Sunday someone decided to have a game of football so they all set to and cleared a pitch, with a couple of dustbins each end for goalposts.
There they were thoroughly enjoying themselves when up comes this
Copper on a bike (no cars in those days for the ordinary Bobby),
"You’ll
have to pack up playing, you know that games are not allowed on Sundays" he said.
Well the poor old copper didn’t know what was about to hit him!
Out came Mrs Ratton, she stood with hands on hips, legs akimbo.
“What the bleed’n hell you doin’”? she challenge the bobby.
“They're not allowed to play football on Sundays”, he said.
“Why don’t you sod off and leave ‘em alone, I suppose it’s that miserable
old cow over there”, she said pointing to a particular house across the way.
“Now then Mrs Ratton the laws the law, and if I have any more of your abuse I’ll have to take you down the station” said he.
Now Mrs Ratton was a rather large lady, we estimated about 22 stone.
"Take me down the bleed’n station will ‘yer, well I’ll lay down here and you’ll have to f------g well carry me!!"
The copper knew his match when he saw it and got back on his bike and rode off laughing.
The football carried on and Mrs Ratton became something of a hero with the boys after that.
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The Billy Smith incident.
In preparation for Guy Falkes night, our whole community used to pile up any
Burnable substances in the middle of The Bricky.
We would all congregate around the lovely bonfire on the night and let off our fireworks (we also used to push large spuds in the bottom of the
fire and roast them. They came out all black and burnt but what a treat! However I digress). There were all kinds of fireworks whizzing about, no thought of saftey rules in those days. Now Billy wasn't a very popular boy amoung us and all of a sudden a rocket came screaming across the sky landed straight in his pocket fizzing like hell! A few seconds later with Billy screaming with panic the thing exploded blowing half his coat off.
Of course us 7/8 year olds thought it was hilarious. Fortunately he didn’t suffer any ill effects.
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Navy Larks.
I volunteered for the navy when I was 18 years old, and got the call 2 weeks later, did my 10 weeks training at Shotley barracks at Harwick. Then went to Chatham gunnery school to learn to be a gunner. After that commishioned onto the
HMS Ekins, a captain class frigate (which incidently was built in only four and
a half months!).
The Heads in the navy are the loos and washrooms. On the Ekins the
loos were amidships, they were long troughs with continuous running sea water. There were 4 seats on the portside trough and 3 on the
Starboard, so you sat looking at each other when you were straining, so not very
pleasant. There weren’t any dividers between seats either, and the one sat nearest the door could wave at the passers by. After doing our first convoy across the Atlantic, we went into Livepool for one or two additions, one of them was to have dividers added and a piece added to the doorway for a bit of privacy.
As you may remember I said that there was continuous running water in these troughs from forrad’ to aft, which on the face of it was a good idea except for when the ship was going through
rough conditions. Then the water would shoot up one end and then the other, which on many occassions
would mean it shot right over the top - and also anything else that was floating about at the time!
One day the sea was fairly calm, and there were a few blokes in the loos. Suddenly all hell let loose and there was yelling and screaming! Some smart alec had lit a large piece of toilet paper and floated it down the longest trough.
There were a few singed sets of tackle that day!
After some investigation it was decided that the person responsible for perpetrating this dastardly
deed was a gentleman by the name of George Sanger. He was then a marked man for revenge...
Sanger was Quarter Master on the opposite watch to me. One of our duties was to steer the ship.
I shall have to describe the steering wheel on the American ships. A large brass circular disc fitted with a wooden hand grip all the way round it. There was also a small handle on it originally which we removed and
used the wheel like you would in a car.
This large brass wheel was fixed with a single large brass nut in the middle keeping the wheel firmly fixed to it’s pedestal. Now George Sanger had a habit of holding onto the wheel with both hands, placing his feet against the base of the
Pedestal and leaning backwards.
Well it didn't take a genious to see how to get back at Mr Sanger. Yes, that's right, some bright spark decided to remove the center fixing nut...
The next time George was on watch he predicably did his leaning back bit.
The wheel, as expected, came straight off in his hands and landed dear George sittng on his backside at the foot of the stair well leading up to the Bridge. However, George was a cheeky sod and while the ship was merrily steaming away though the ocean without steering he took himself up to the
Bridge and brandishing the wheel exclaimed:
"Look Sir, the wheel just came off!"
The one who loosened the nut was never discovered but I understand
George copped a few days stoppage of leave!!!
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When Mrs. Suggs Lost Her Brother
It was mid 1950-ish when I was managing a grocery and provision shop for F.C.Dyson at Barkingside Essex. A lot of stuff was still on the ration as we hadn't recovered completely from the war. I gave instructions to the staff to let customers know that I was prepared to help them with extra supplies if they had a special function, like a wedding, 21 st birthday, funeral etc.
One of the staff, (Grace Coulson I think it was), said that Mrs Sugg wanted to see me. Now I must explain, Mrs. Sugg used to come in every lunchtime as she worked at a local factory and we used to have a really good laugh with her as she had a terrific sense of humour. I had got in the habit of addressing her as Suggy.
So when Grace told me that she wanted to see me, I went out from the office to see her.
“Watcher' Suggy, what can I do for you?” I said.
“Richard”, she said with a mournful face, “I've lost my brother...”
To which I replied. “Just a minute I'll get my coat and we'll go and look for him!”.
Well bless her, she tried to keep a straight face under the circumstances, but quickly she lost it and soon stood in the middle of the shop with her legs crossed, bustin' her sides laughing.
“You Bastard! I'll get you for that one!”, she said in between breaths.
Well I sorted her out a nice little food bundle for the funeral guests and as she was leaving the shop, still suffering spontaneous bursts of laughter, she turned and wagged a finger at me:
“I'm going to get my own back!” she promised.
I didn't have to wait for long.
The next day, when the queue stretched out the door from the provision counter I was helping the staff serve to clear the peak. Mrs Sugg was in the queue and swapping the usual bit'o'banter and having a good laugh. It worked out that I served her with the items she wanted, I wrote out the cost on the ticket which she took over to the cashier and paid. Just as she was going out of the door, she turned round.
“Oh Richard! I've got a little present for you. She plunged her hand into a carrier bag and brought out a great handful of loose CONDOMS which she flourished ensuring all could see. Well she got exactly what she expected. The whole bloody shop full of customers exploded with laughter.
(It was only then that I found out that she worked at the local Durex factory).
She was salt of the earth bless her, wherever she is now I bet she is still laughing.
I put her present in a paper bag, and took them home.
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